Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James

Book:  Fifty Shades of Grey 

Author:  EL James 

Grade:  D+ 

Recommended To:  People with red editing pens 

This book should be called "Fifty Shades of Red Editing Ink" or "Fifty Shades of Bad Grammar"  or "Fifty Shades of Abuse."   You choose.

I occasionally read books that get a lot of hype.  Part of me knew that this was going to be bad, especially when I heard there were hints of Twilight.  (Not sure how the vamp books relate, because there aren't any sparklers in this book, but I didn't read Twi, so who knows.) 

There are just so many issues in this book.  First, these two people meet and they are instantly attracted to each other.  He is described as basically the hottest man in the world, without much description at all.  The author says his "pants hang off his hips."   Which is...attractive? What does that even mean? Are they sweatpants?  Are they so loose that they actually HANG?  What terrible and unattractive imagery that sentence invokes.  The female lead is an innocent virgin who is in college in 2011, doesn't own a cell phone or a computer and apparently doesn't have an email address.  But!  She has an ipod.  Pretty sure her ipod has no music at all, since you need an itunes account and oh, a computer.  She's also 22 and has never been drunk.  These types of inconsistencies are irritating, to say the least. 

Either way, these two people are instantly attracted to each other.  You can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes. Then, shit starts to get real.  Christian Grey, the man with the hanging pants, reveals that he's got this secret room with whips and chains.  Weird.  But, at least the story isn't so lame.  Until this idiot author ruins that too.  I highly doubt the obviously-pen-named-author has ever been in a BDSM relationship and  the book honestly feels like she googled some stuff, picked the most shocking things and then plopped them into the book.  This reviewer is not amused.

The author tries so hard to make these characters deep that eventually it just gets sad.  Ana is in such turmoil about being in a relationship with a man who actually wants to inflict physical punishment on her when she does follow his arbitrary rules.  Christian apparently has issues with food since he had a "crack whore" mother. These themes are not developed, they are only repeated over and over again.  It is exhausting.

Christian's character is also disgusting.  He's controlling, abusive and in general an unattractive asshole.  Ana is equally disgusting because she falls in love with him after five minutes and then puts up with literal physical beatings because he's the only person she's ever slept with. I simply cannot relate to these characters at all.  I do not know anyone that acts this way.   I'm dismayed that a book that is this poorly written and this poorly researched actually has such a following.  

If this is what Twilight is like then I'm so freakin' happy that I didn't read it. 

This is a lesson learned in following my book-instinct.  Popular opinion was seriously confused and wrong about this book.  The over the top sex scenes do not make this a literary miracle.  Save your money and save your time and do not read this trash.

Happy Reading, people. 

The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Potzsch

Book:  The Hangman's Daughter 


Author:  Oliver Potzsch


Grade:  D/two stars. 


Recommended To:  dead people. 


I had high hopes for this book club choice.  I read some sketchy reviews before hand, which warned me a little bit about the dialogue and the translation, but I wasn't aware that the dialogue was going to be quite as bad as it was.

The dialogue was like trying to run through waist deep water against a current.  I rolled my eyes multiple times whilst reading this book.  Either the author or the translator doesn't have a grasp on how people actually speak.  If a character is only speaking to the burghomaster, then it is unnecessary to write: No, I wasn't digging in that grave and what's it to you anyway, berghomaster?  Slog Slog Slog.

This book also had an unusual number of exclamation points.  Probably about 5 per page.  These are kindle pages, mind you, any my font was huge.  That's a lotta damn exclamation points!!!!!!!   The author used exclamation points instead of dialogue and narration to try to add emphasis.  The words may as well have been bolded, underlined and italicized for emphasis instead.  It was irritating.

I don't recommend this book.  The story wasn't compelling enough to make up for the dialogue issues and the punctuation problems.  In truth, I haven't even finished this book yet, but it has been so hard to get through, I just had to write this review to get out some of my frustration.

Happy Reading!!

Lord John and the Private Matter by Diana Gabaldon

Book:  Lord John and the Private Matter 


Author:  Diana Gabaldon 


Grade:  C + 


Recommended To:  People who want to be disappointed in Diana. 


 I love Diana Gabaldon.  I think her Outlander series is fresh, interesting and very well written.  I do not feel the same about her Lord John spin-off series.

Do I think Lord John is interesting enough to have his own series?  Yes. Do I think that Lord John should be solving mysteries.  Absolutely not.  John is not a detective, he's a lord who is trying to find love and hope in an often cruel world.

Diana should have focused on Lord John's relationships and his work running Ardsmure prison.  Not his apparently terrible detective skills.  There was no hint of detective work in the Outlander series, so I'm not sure how Diana decided to run with that particular story line.

I'm much more interested in Lord John's love life,  his crush on Jamie, and how he gets blacklisted.  Or, just tell me about his life.  He doesn't have to have having an adventure all of the time, especially when some of these mysteries are just plain boring.

Of course this book is well written - because it is by Diana - but the plot was not interesting enough to make me want to keep reading the books in the Lord John series.  I'll probably just stick with Claire and Jamie from now on.

Happy Reading!!

Game of Thrones by Geroge R.R. Martin

Book:  Game of Thrones - A Song of Fire and Ice: Book 1


Author: George R.R. Martin


Grade:  A


Recommended To:  Everyone.  This book should have a wide ranging audience, despite the fact that there are some dragons. 


I can't rave enough about this book and series.  The first book is over 700 pages and I finished it in 4 days.  This was after knowing almost everything that was going to happen because I watched the HBO series Season 1 right before starting the book.

I'm not sure where to start in describing what Game of Thones is about.  There's a super interesting dwarf character.  A bastard that decides to devote his life to protecting the kingdom from the White Walkers (basically zombies).  Lord Stark who despite his better judgment goes to the capital to be King Barathon's hand, and pays dearly.  An incestuous brother and sister.  A snotty child-king.  A braided Dothraki war lord and many many other compelling and interesting characters.   There's lots of sex, intrigue, back-stabbing and outright war.  It is an epic novel and an awful lot happens in a mere 700 pages.

Plus, there are four more books in the series with a sixth on the way.  Allegedly book three is the best one.  

There's not a lot of bad things to say about this book, except that there are an incredible amount of characters. It is often difficult to keep them straight because many of them have more than one name, or they have nicknames.  Fortunately, the author has included a handy guide in the back of the book to tell you who belongs to what family/house etc.  I've heard the other books add even more characters.  Yipee.

My one complaint is that I wish I had read the books before watching the show on HBO.  The problem with watching the show first is that now I have a fix on exactly what HBO wants each character to look like.  There's no imagination left since I watched the show first.  But, I likely would never have picked this up if HBO hadn't made the show.  Catch 22.

I finished book one over the weekend and raced out to the store to buy the rest.  I'm about 300 pages into the second one and it is just as spicy and delicious.

I bet you will enjoy these!

Happy Reading!!

A is for Alibi

Book:  A is for Alibi

Author:  Sue Grafton 

Grade:  C 

Recommended To:  People who aren't as late to this series as I am. 

I'm late to this series.   So late in fact, that the series is completely outdated.  Particularly the first novel, A is for Alibi.  I'm not sure when Sue wrote this book, but Kinsey has such a tough time solving these mysteries because she doesn't have basic necessities like google, or a cell phone.

This book was okay.  Not great, just grade C okay.  Kinsey runs around trying to solve a case for a client and at the end ends up shooting some guy, in only three pages or so.  It turns out that in B for Burgular, which I am currently reading, that the shooting happened only two weeks prior in "A".  Shocking!

I'm not sure how the end came so fast.  That seems like a consistent criticism of this book (on Goodreads).  The ending was just too quick for all of the build up that Sue created during the other 300 pages of the novel.  She's running on a beach for about three pages, hides a a garbage can of all places, and then shoots some dude that she slept with in the book.  Strange.

I do like the character of Kinsey.  She's tough and she doesn't have many layers yet, but I expect here character to develop more fully, probably around book "E." 

I'm counting on this alphabet series to get better.  This book was an acceptable quick and dirty read that took me about 2 work days, but I hope that the books improve somewhat.

Happy Reading!!